1998 Sir Itwa Sn'worth Collinghim

The final discussion before he left Northwest went something like this, "God placed me here to lead...I knew we would have to watch you mature as a pastor (and you have) and God has placed me here to help you along the path. I only want to help you be better but your preaching style and your capabilities...are you sure you are to be the pastor? People talk to me, they see me as a leader and whether or not I have been annointed as a leader, God has called me to lead and I am concerned about what you are teaching."

Now Itwa had questioned everything from paint colors, to logos, to bylaws, to who should lead what meeting when but this discussion topped them all. When Itwa made these comments, he had been in the church only 4 times in the previous year and only to 3 teaching times. No offense to Itwa, but how can you make a judgement on someone's teaching when you missed 247 out of 250 lessons? When asked who and how many the people were who talked to him it turned out to be one friend and Itwa had initiated the discussion. Yes, this was an easy critique to dismiss but the reader needs to understand that it wasn't so easy in the beginning.

I remember when I first met Itwa. He and his family came from a church experiencing trouble. "It is just time to leave. We don't want to judge that place but..." seemed a very fair comment from them. He was gregarious (a jolly soul), his wife very pleasant and the kids very outgoing. Like so many others, he found a home at Northwest amongst the transparent, loving and genuine Christians. There were a couple of years of fun parties, working alongside each other and really happy times and then a change began. He began to challenge everything in a very diplomatic way. The discussions were always complimentary "but" type conversations. There were never harsh words but the comments mostly seemed somewhat unfounded.

The conversations had several common statements:

• There are several (many, some, etc.) people that have (have stated to me) a concern...
• It isn't that I don't trust the process (the leader, the person) but I believe...
• I hesitated to get involved but it is clear to me that I should because these people...
• I don't know why they talk to me but...
• You don't need to get on the defensive or get the last word, I just want to help...
• It's not that I don't trust you guys but...
• I knew you were young and would have to grow up but God put me here to help you and I am only trying to help...

In the beginning, the consistent emails, calls, special meetings and critiques got to be intimidating. When I would try to answer his comments, he would always say, "Doug, why do you always have to get in the last word." When I didn't answer the emails, he would say, "Doug, I can't believe that you won't engage in a conversation, I am only trying to help." Whenever he was challenged on his words or actions, there was always an excuse. He began to push his ideas at church parties and informal gatherings at his house and for a time, I worried about the impact. I wondered what was going to happen if he decided to really make a stink of it but the leadership continued to follow their convictions in ministry and he continued to disagree with their convictions. Like the psychological effects of water torture, I was always waiting for the next drip and it drove me crazy and I learned little in the process until a wise person was used by God. In the end it got so crazy that even the idealist Doug who really believes that everyone can and should "just get along in Jesus", had to give up and leave it to God.

Here is what I learned after questioning, second guessing and wearing myself out trying to process all of the comments that were clearly unfounded:

• Itwa was correct. I had to grow up and in this case I had to grow up and realize that I was being manipulated so that someone else could try to get something they wanted even if it was just recognition. Itwa never went to the other elders because they would have shut him down and he didn't have the guts. I was weak in this area.
• Starting discussions out with demeaning or patronizing comments doesn't set the stage for productivity. It took me a long time to realize that when we counsel people we tell them that such comments are the beginning of manipulation in relationships.
• Facts are facts and they are what leaders should discuss.
• Those who follow someone who is not a recognized leader are in danger.
• Those who have never led a ministry might not be ready to do so.
• Microsoft Outlook blocks emails so that you don't even know they ever arrived. Really, God's Word does not say that you have to endlessly entertain or answer every complaint. When you shake the dust off your feet, move.
• If you are challenged, it does not mean that you are wrong (you better check with God) but rather that you are a leader.

Remember, having great leaders and Godly confidentes around you praying is the best check you can get next to God. We are to know what we are doing before we do it. We need to be willing to check ourselves against the challenge of others but once checked with God we need to move on. If you spend all your time trying to win the 20% that never stop complaining, the 80% will be gyped of God's best.

P.S. (If your 20% is higher, it doesn't have to be that way. Don't settle for what they taught you in seminary. There are places where people are seeking God, not themselves, and want to do something for God rather than have endless, empty meetings. I am blessed to be among a people with only 2 or 3 people who are in that spot - I can testify, fellowship takes gardening by all but is acheivable.)

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