1995 P&J Flannels

What great friends we were! How close! We watched each other’s kids be born and we played cards all the time. Little was held back in opinion or discussion. Then disaster came on the heels of disaster. Our young church faced more problems than a young church should have to face.

The pastor raised issues that forced the young church to choose sides after already having been through a nightmare. Though I don’t think he intended it, he most definitely missed it on this one. P&J and my family were caught like so many others in the crossfire. In the beginning neither they nor we liked the trial that some had chosen to put the church through.

For the first two rounds of trouble, we both made it. We still played cards on the weekends, went to church during the week and were very close. However, much of our conversation went to discussing the latest trial, licking our wounds, working through the pain of it all or discussing opinions. Then came this final issue where literally the pastor asked for a confidence vote to determine if his position was supported by the church. For a couple of months, friends were forced to endure long meetings, hard topics and yet again the prospect of more change. P&J’s and our conversations fell to an all time low and suddenly in the exhaustion of it all we began to argue, have stress and see our great friendship finally affected.

I had no idea who was really right in the church. The pastor was under so much stress that everyone kept coming to me to pitch their “latest angle” or “newest theological understanding.” I found myself standing in an office with P&J saying, “You have to agree with us. There is no way that you can stay if he stays. You…”

I hated that they put me in that situation but was glad that God had already given me an answer. “P&J you have to understand that I am not sure what he or anyone else should do but I asked God and he told me that no matter what everyone else does, He wanted me to stay.”

“Doug, there is no way that ..” and the conversation digressed.

That was the last night of spending time together. I didn’t hate them (I had no clue how they felt) but they left to a new church. We were all hurt, angry and tired. People went to their own corners, found new places, worked through it all and in the end the Flannels and we ended up in different geographic locations.

Years have gone by and much else has been learned. Then I thought they were pressuring us but today I understand that they didn’t want our friendships and those of the church to all fall apart. Everyone had had it. P&J were tired and didn’t want to be separated any more than we. I have learned that they regret all we endured on the behalf of others as much as we did. There are a few critical truths in the crossfire with friends:

1. Family should not try to politic and draw other family to their opinion but rather to a calm, peace-filled God opinion that brings unity. Leaders who sway family for confidence or support of their opinion are in dangerous territory. Leaders who do this are just as dysfunctional (not really being leaders) as parents who use their children to sway a decision or win against a spouse
2. Friendships must stay focused on Christ to survive the storms of life.
3. Friendships and the closeness of them – no matter how great – do not constitute an equality in leadership or call. A leader can kill friends with information, confiding, whining and therapy that should only be shared with those in leadership. Leaders work through their issues with leaders, not followers just like moms and dads support each other instead of seeking support from their kids. Parents who seek support from their children are dysfunctional.
4. As a leader, I have no opinion (or if you will, I can have no opinion) because I have sold out to a Lord who directs my every move. The only acceptable answer is a sure and certain – “God told me.”

P&J were never against us anymore than we were against them. We all got caught in the crossfire and were perhaps a bit young to find our way out without too many wounds. Both we and the Flannels are living Christian lives, in ministry, successful, loving, at peace and hearing from God – it is unfortunate that we cannot be doing that in the same geographic location today but thank God that he preserved us all. God will preserve those – no matter the direction – who look to Him over time.

Most importantly, though, I learned that it is not the privates in the war who should be questioned or held responsible for the war but rather the general who decided to go to war.