Twelve Sided Stories – People Trust

I was the guest teacher at a youth camp a couple of years ago with a youth group and leaders with whom I have become great friends. The leaders are mostly good with a few people trying to emerge without making a life change. Anyway, it is fun to be the teacher and not the leader of the trip. You get to watch all of the fun and dynamics, critique it all that you want (not to them – just in your head) and then go home not responsible for anything.

One night I was sneaking around in the kitchen trying to find a late night snack. The kids were all over the camp swimming, beach walking, having fun playing basketball. Suddenly, the doors to the dining room swing open and in walks a really angry youth minister who quickly directs the kids following her to park it in chairs. Wisely, I cowered quietly in the kitchen. This was going to be good!

“I want some straight answers and right now!” she instructed them.

“We didn’t do anything…we were just walking on the beach…I promise…really…” The saga continued without any real answers and the frustration levels rose.

“Some of our leaders say that they saw smoking. Do you expect me to simply ignore them?”

“Really…we weren’t smoking…”

“You are telling me that you have never smoked and aren’t smoking?”

“I never said that I never smoked,” one of the boys piped in.

“Do you have cigarettes here?”

After a lengthy pause, “Yes, ma'am…but I haven’t smoked one…I wasn’t smoking.”

“And, you…” she asked the other boy.

At this point the more timid boy went into a melt down and began confessing all kinds of things that he had done in all kinds of places at all kinds of times. The co-leader was standing quietly, pacing the entire time. Frustration and passion were building in him but he deferred to his partner as she was taking the lead.

“Fine. If you won’t tell me what is going on then I will just bring in the other leaders.” Much to my surprise and hers, both boys chimed in, “Great because we weren’t smoking.”

The female minister should have known something was awry when one of the accusers, a 50+ year old man, would not come into the room. It was clear with the entry of his wife that something was wrong. The situation was reiterated and concluded, “So you see Mrs. X, these boys refuse to admit that they were smoking on the beach. Now there are only two options: 1) you have no idea what you were talking about and lied (which isn’t the case); or, 2) these boys need to look at you and explain why they won’t confess.”

Ackward silence filled the room. I peeked around the pass-through window in the kitchen. Silence. “Well,” Mrs. X began, “I have to admit we really didn’t see them smoking but we were across the road and smelled smoke. There looked to be a burning ember that they were passing.”

“What!” the male leader exploded, “What! You had us drag these boys in here. You said they were smoking. Are you….” You can only imagine the following moments.

There were two lessons seared again into my leadership memory that night. First, if you find a leader who you can’t trust – fire them. I have said it all week. The youth ministers fired Mrs. X upon their return from camp. She was a gossip. She didn’t mean ill but her careless words tainted two boys reputations, caused them to learn how to distrust adults and leaders, exemplified every unfair thing about assumptions and was horribly selfish, self-centered and just wrong. She deserved to be fired. She sold out her follower, her charge, for a moment of “I know something you don’t know.”

Second, there are twelve sides to every story. Even if you think you have heard two sides don’t make the mistake so many of us have made and jump to conclusions. It does not matter how much the facts seem to point to A. It does not matter who told you what about whom or what. Give your followers a fair hearing. In this case, both of the boys were boys indeed. One of them was a little older and had a bit of a reputation. For once though, he was obeying the rules and he did not get a fair trial. These kids were more consistent in the group than Mrs. X but both leaders did not trust the followers. They did not trust that their direction and leadership might have impacted these kids. They did not look for the twelve sides of the story that could have exonerated these kids. They jumped to conclusions and found themselves shamed.

Robert Ingram , president of the Georgia Bar of Attorneys and a tremendous lawyer, taught me this truth long before I applied it well. One day when we (as leaders) were working together to get through a tough, critical, intense situation in our church, Robert explained something about conflict management, trials and arbitration. “A good lawyer never asks a question to which he doesn’t already know the answer. The goal of the trial is to ask questions to which you know the answer to argue the case so that you can win the case. If you ask a question to which you don’t know the answer, then you may get one of those dramatic TV moments where your legal approach falls apart as the witness tells everyone something that you don’t know. That is why before legal proceedings they have discovery periods to get out all the facts.”

There are twelve sides to every story. Do your discovery assuming the innocence of everyone involved. Do your discovery assuming that the followers and other leaders are trustworthy. Do your discovery assuming that everyone wants the success of each other. Do your discovery assuming that everyone is on the same team. If you are a Christian, remember we have a common enemy who spiritually confuses everything all the time, trying to divide us.

After discovering all twelve sides, then make your judgement – it will save you shame and save your follwers from needless melodrama and pain. They might really be trustworth people following you and simply caught in confusion.